Christmas

Hi everyone-I'm kinda over Christmas and can't wait til everything is over with. I think it's because I associate it w/death of loved ones. My dad died 12/24/1977. It was hard. Then the past few years I've had so many deaths. some cousins, my brother-in-law ...all around Christmas time. I bought some presents for my daughter, my step grandkids, and mother-in-law. Everyone else in the family said to not exchange gifts this year. Really it should be a day-DAY-to think about what Christmas really is-Jesus' birthday. I'm going to attend a Christmas Eve service w/my sister tomorrow night. I've never attended one before.It's always been so busy w/me cooking, wrapping, shopping. I think I'll like just worshipping and praying. I feel like those that have passed before us should be here but maybe they are. My sister turned me on to James Van Praagh's website. I thought it was interesting. He is one of the creators of Ghost Whisperer-which I am fascinated by because sometimes I feel like that stuff happens w/me. Dreams of John and my mom in which they are really talking to me are intense. The holidays make me realize that you make life what you want it to be and we can enjoy real things like being w/family/friends or spend life on things that won't matter in the long run. Merry Christmas everyone.

disappointed

Hi everyone,
we're going to the beach for a few days. We wanted to go to Cumberland Falls, Ky. and rent a cabin. But the snowstorm changed our plans.
Talk to you maybe Thursday.

What's Uuuuuuupppppp?!

Hi everybody,
Been busy teaching school and just living day to day. I had such a crummy day one day this week (I think it was Tuesday) so I just crawled into bed around 7:30 and didn't get back up until 6:00 the next morning. That's one of my escapes - just sleep. Today was nice because I visited the Center for Inquiry which is a great K-5 school that emphasizes community and inquiry. I used to go there when I was an MAT student in 1997-98 and I'm so pleased that it has grown. I think it's true that students do lead the curriculum if we are teaching the way we should be. We have such an emphasis on following a certain order when teaching the standards but as long as we cover the standards and do it in a way that makes sense (like scaffolding, modeling, mentoring, reading, writing, math workshops, etc.), then the teachers should be treated as professionals so let them and the students decide where to go next in what they're learning. Let me get off my soapbox.

I got back to school around 1:00, after the Center for Inquiry Consortium meeting, and my sub was reading a Christmas book to my kids and they were so mesmerized. She was reading about Santa and the jobs that the elves do. They are so sweet. Then the students wrote about colonial days - what they've learned so far (that's our unit in Soc. Studies) and I was really impressed. They used books we had used for resources and they looked in their notes - all without me having to tell them. Most of them did a concise job of rewording the main points they wanted to get across which is so refreshing because I used to tell them that you can't just copy things - you have to put stuff in your own words. They are using what they've learned from reading and writing workshop because I've told them that in order to write about something you have to immerse yourself in reading whatever you're writing about to understand the writer's craft (in this case non-fiction writing). They put sub-titles and chapters and drew pictures. I even had the sub tell me I had a great class.

I left around 3:30 then came back to school at 6:00 for a chorus concert. If anyone ever doubts what Christmas is about should attend a children's Holiday Concert. It takes you back in time. For that hour I could feel that innocence once felt.

Then I came home for good and opened to the door to a horrible smell in the house. I think there is a dead rat in the attic. We kept hearing something between the walls and in the attic for about a month or so and finally I called an exterminator. They sprayed all through the house and put out rat poison in the attic (I had the full extermination for bugs and rodents). The exterminator said they couldn't do anything about the smell when the rat dies. I feel like sleeping with one of those pine tree air fresheners taped under my nose. If John was here I wouldn't be able to smell it quite as bad if he had been wrestling or running for several hours and he hasn't taken a shower yet...just kidding John...you know I love you and always will. But you know you were ripe sometimes after working out. You'd be proud of me because I went to the gym yesterday evening. I need to go everyday and hopefully I can work up to at least 3-5 days.
I better get in bed. Thanks to all those who have read this. YOU know I appreciate you.
Nancy

Boggs1gr8blog's Blog

Boggs1gr8blog's Blog: "Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post.
Wow. I really wasn't sure what this was. I was trying to get WordPress to be a way for other people to access on my blog on grievingforson.hotspot.com
so those who do this blog and comment on my blogger blog.
I'll have to see how this works.
thanks for reading this if you've gotten this far. I know it looks like a lot of gibberish right now.
See ya. I have to rewire my brain to figure out what I did.

Holiday Stress

Hi everyone,
I'm starting to feel the stress of the holidays. I can tell at work that everyone is getting stressed. We have to do so many things before our winter break and it doesn't seem like we can fit it all in. Of course, there are good things we're fitting in...like the students' strings and drama performances are one night. Then we have a chorus concert another night. I have my final project presentation tomorrow night for a math smartboard class. Then I have to meet or get in touch w/the insurance if they haven't been in touch w/my daughter yet about her car (someone scraped and dented the side and left) -that happened in the parking lot at Midland'sTech. Then trying to get arrangements made for our families to get together for Christmas.

I'm not whining...I'm really not. I'm glad that I have a little hustle and bustle because its all for good stuff. There are some people who are stressed because of health issues or they're homeless or they have friends or family addicted on something. So my stress is nothing compared to a lot of people who have it much worse than I do. I'm really a very lucky and blessed person because I know what it's like to have had a great son who was caring, compassionate, had a good sense of humor, smart, athletic, and who loved me. And although he's gone and I miss him more everyday, I thank God that he has been in my life from April 19, 1987 until January 31, 2008.

The same with my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her also. She didn't have me unil she was 41 1/2 years old. She had problems with high blood pressure and was hospitalized a lot during my infancy and childhood, but she always made sure all of us kids were well taken care of. She always read to me and then I read to her - every night. That was the best gift she could give me. Spending time next to her knowing she was listening to every word and seeing her face light up when mine would light up.

After I had my son and daughter I understood what that was like. My daughter has really gotten closer to me after my son's death. Her and I haven't always been as close to one another as I would have liked. But after that night, she has been right by my side. I have had issues and arguments over some bad choices she's made, but now I feel like she's listening to what I'm telling her. I think she is letting me into her shell that she keeps so tightly around her. I'm proud of her for coming out of that shell, going back to college, taking an interest in the house, cooking, reading novels again (Chuck Palaniuk fan), and really helping me out whenever she can. She's matured so much. And Sarah, if you ever read this, I want you to know how much I appreciate you and how I pray to God everyday for your safety and health, because you're a blessing and I don't ever want to lose you.

I now have a fear that I'm going to lose other loved ones unexpectedly because of my history with losing others. I know I can't worry about it, or fear the future, but it's become a panic attack if I get a call kinda late or if someone is gone too long, I'm anxious and scared something happened to them. One time I couldn't get in touch with my sister and I kept trying on the phone, cell phone, and left messages. I was going to go to her house and check on her. But then she called and said her phone wasn't charged and she didn't hear the home phone because she was asleep in another room. I was so scared because I thought how about if someone broke in and did something to her, or how about if her heart gave out because she has a heart condition. If I lost someone, anyone, right now, I think I'd have to be put into a mental place. I'm so tired of finally getting to the point where I feel like everything's going fine, everyone is okay, life is good, but the, BOOM - someone comes down with cancer, or gets killed, or they get sick and die. Didn't I say earlier I wasn't going to whine? I'm just saying that I'm a positive person but after so many tragedies you start to wonder what all this positive stuff is really for? It seems like I get myself up just to get pushed back down again. Right now I'm fine but I hope this ride lasts awhile.

I'll be glad to spend time with my older brother and sisters and my nieces, nephews and their families and my husband and daughter. We'll have great food, good conversations, catch up on stuff, and enjoy every minute we're together. I know now that these times are to be relished because as the years go by, there are less opportunities to tell others how much you love them. Tell them as much as you can. This reminds me of a Jim Croce song -"Time in a Bottle" - I wish I could save time in a bottle. If I would have known it would have been that last Halloween my kids wanted me to go trick-or-treating with them I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to go home and I would have taken more pictures of them in their outfits, or the last Fair ride we went on, or even the last time I would get a hug or kiss (John). Spend as much time with your kids, family, friends as you can. One of my students today was walking down the hall in the line and she go a hold of my hand and looked up at me and asked, "Mrs. Boggs, why are you so nice?". That almost brought tears to my eyes. I told her, "Because you all are so nice." That is one of the moments I will cherish forever.

Don't worry about stupid stuff. Just be. The time you spend will be worth it.
Hope you are enjoying getting ready for your Holidays. Please write or comment. I really do care about our comments.
Thanks, Nancy

Thanks to all my facebook friends who have written to me. Post comments on my blogs and tell me honestly what you think about anything I've written. I really believe that if it weren't for my friends and family over the years, I would not have been able to make it through everything. I want to give back to all of you in some way so if there is ever anything I can do, just let me know. I have signed up to be an organ donor, not that I'm doing a "Seven Pounds" type of thing or anything (by the way, if you've never seen that Will Smith movie I think it's great - but don't see it if you're depressed). The zen habits web blog has helped me because it talks about what is really important in life and how we should use every minute to the fullest. Live simply. Get your priorities straight. My mom, rest in peace, used to tell me to go around and see things, take vacations and enjoy life before you get too old and your health goes bad. I agree. I'm not saying we should go wild, but don't put off doing what you're passionate about. I want to write novels and a memoir. Travel around the world. Run marathons (I've signed up for one you know) and go on a long distance bike ride. I've also started reading more poetry (thanks Tasha-my University of S.C. professor friend who loves my students and works tirelessly to make sure we're teaching reading and writing workshop to the best of our abilities) - poetry is great:) and there is a good website called poets.org that is a good resource. I also have a challenge to beat my daughter on some Wii games - that's probably the hardest challenge of all. I want to make my loved ones proud of me - and even those that have gone on to better places will see that I'm trying to honor their memory. I've told my therapist that I don't want my mom or son or my kids' dad to think that I'm moving on and forgetting about them. It's hard when people say "you're so strong" because it makes me feel like I'm supposed to crawl in a hole. I really do struggle to make it through a day without wanting to do that and those of you who offer to go out for drinks sometimes and I say I can't, it's because I know that if I start drinking I'll probably go overboard and get into a funk. There for a while after John passed away and my mom passed away, I would go through a 750 ml of wine in a few hours or a 12 pk of Corona Light w/lime in a day. Sometimes I would take an Ambien CR with it because I didn't want to face reality. Then I realized I was only hurting my husband and daughter as well as myself. And I felt like those dreams I was having was John telling me to take it easy - that he's okay. And I was doing the same thing John did (mixing prescription drugs and alcohol) and I knew the terrible consequences of that. I gave my sister a book by James van Prague that she said told about how deceased ones communicate with us through dreams and I believe it.
Well, I better go. Please write and post comments to this blog!!! Until later...

Well, I can see that no one has read my first blog. Maybe I don't have a jazzy enough name for my blog but I thought that maybe out there are more people who have thoughts about what it's like to deal with depressing issues like grieving. That's not always what I'll write about but it's the reason why I started this. I went to the foot store this evening to buy some good running shoes. My son had a list of things he wanted to do. I found it when I was going through his stuff after he passed away. One of them was to run a mile in 10 minutes - I think he did it one time in 11 minutes when he was at The Citadel. He was always working out. He was a great wrestler in high school and even made it to the state finals. Then he hurt his shoulder on one of his last matches so he couldn't continue. I fixed up my exercise room with all of his trophies, medals and awards in it. I thought finding that list with his goals might motivate me to work out. Maybe do some of the things he never got to do. I'd love to ride to the Beach from here (which is about 200 miles). I signed up for a half-marathon the other day so it would get me started on running and getting in shape. I'd like to get some shirts printed up that say I'm running in honor or memory of him. I'd also like to get in touch with groups like Drug and Alcohol Prevention groups and even Suicide Prevention groups to see what I could do to help others. My children's dad committed suicide in 1995. I think my son thought about that a lot even though he never talked about it. And then he ended up dying from an accidental overdose of prescription drugs. It was a mixture of oxycotin that was in his system and alcohol. He had been taking those because of a cut he had on his arm - one that required stitches. I know he didn't mean to do it because he had just started his life...telling me he was transferring to the journalism program at USC (he had been a business major). I think that young kids really need to know the dangers of mixing drugs with alcohol. If anyone out there is listening, please tell me what I can do to help so other parents, friends, brothers, sisters, loved ones won't have to go through what I've been through.
Until tomorrow.

Intro. and background

Hi everyone,
I thought I'd start this blog because I wanted to see who else out there wants to talk about what it's like to lose a son or a daughter. Or for that matter, anyone you're really close to. My son passed away January 31, 2008. It's hard to believe that it will be almost 2 years now. I think about him all the time. I have always heard that it's really hard to lose a child but I never really knew what they were talking about until it happened to me. What makes it so bad is that he was 3 months shy of turning 21 years old. He died of an accidental prescription drug overdose. He was a college student who worked part-time and shared a house with another guy who was also a college student. I knew he liked to party but I figured he was like all of his friends his age who "knew how to handle it". I wish I would have known then what I know now. I guess I was always trusting and I didn't realize that drugs and alcohol had played such a major role in his life. Another reason why I'm writing this blog is to try to bring awareness to how big of a problem drugs and alcohol are to teenagers and college students. Especially prescription drugs - I didn't know they were so readily available and easy to get. I will end this now. I have so much I want to share like how I've also survived being a child of an alcoholic father and the survivor of my children's father who committed suicide when they were little.
Plus my mom died of lung cancer not even 5 months after my son passed away. I guess you can see why I need to write.
I have to go...thanks for listening.
Nancy