John 4/19/87-1/31/08

Trying to move along. This past Sunday, January 31st was 2 years since my son passed away. Last week leading up to it was worse than the actual day. I kept thinking that if it were 2 years ago these days would have had John in the world. I saw him those few weeks before he passed away. And then, poof!, he as gone. And I couldn't even come up to him as he lay on the stretcher, to see him. The police said I couldn't go up any closer so I only saw him from about 20 ft. away when they were putting him in the ambulance. I feel like I never got to touch him and tell him how much I loved him.I remember the whole time just saying over and over again "I can't believe it...I can't believe it.I relive that night so many times, over and over again. And then afterwards its a blur. I don't know how I functioned those next few weeks. It was like I was on autopilot. If it weren't for John's friends gathering photo's with me and getting their photo's together, and making the powerpoint presentation and getting the music together, there wouldn't have been a memeorial service. They did it all and David and Chris spoke and it was very sweet. I know John was there and he was proud of his friends doing this for him. Knowing it's been 2 years doesn't make this grief go away. I still feel a lump in my throat everyday, and I feel like tears are gonna burst out any minute. I really work hard everyday to hold myself together - it's hard when you teach little second graders.
I feel like sometimes I'm living a lie because I have to pretend everthing is okay, but it's not. When I am driving to school, I so much want to just keep driving until I drive full speed into the river. That way I don't have to deal with the pain I feel everyday. But the only thing that keeps me from doing it is my husband and daughter. I couldn't do that to them. I know what that's like being the former wife of my first husband who committed suicide when our kids were only 5 and 8. It started all this whole life of despair that we've been fighting to overcome. I started seeing a new counselor and I think this one really clicks with me. She's encouraged me to try yoga. I think I might try it next Thursday -City Yoga. I need something. I've given up alot of drinking because I was drinking more than I should.I haven't had a Corona in I don't know how long. I have to find other ways of dealing with things. If anyone know of anything let me know.