memories and decisions

Hi everyone,
Thanks to those Facebook friends of mine who have been following me. I'm sorry I don't write like I should but I'm worn out by the time I get home from a full day of teaching. Today I had to go to Walgreen's to pick up my medicine. I realized when I was there that it was just like the day when I got the call from my daughter saying that his roommate couldn't wake him up. It was a Thursday around 5:30-6:00 and I was paying for my blood pressure medicine just like that dismal night a few weeks and 2 years ago. I started crying on the way home. I guess that's just the way it will be. When memories start flooding back.
I was disappointed also that my daughter said she might withdraw from college (the surgical tech. program). I want her to find her way and decide what she wants to do with her life. I know she's not 20 yet and it's hard to get started with what you're going to do for the rest of your life, but what will happen to her if something happens to me? Her father's passed away, her brother's gone, and only 1 grandparent left and he's in his 70's. I need to start praying again. I've been so disillusioned and have kinda given up but I think that praying will be all that I can do with so much out of my control.

The rain

It's been a rainy day. Not just sprinkling, or misting, I mean downright gushers from heaven. Of course it would have to be a day the students were going on a field trip and we had to walk a half a mile to the Koger Center. We were soaked. Then this afternoon I had car duty. All I wanted to go was go home and get in bed. But of course I had to head straight to the kitchen to start on supper. Then I had to go get the mail. I'm finally taking the time to read e-mails. My therapist said I need to take at least 5-10 min. to do something spiritual - either reading from the Bible or another book like inspiring stories per day, or just meditate/yoga for a while. I might start next week in a yoga class. I think I do need that time to reflect. I'm always busy. I also need to do a dream journal and a journal w/my moods. That's working well because I love to write....duh. I read an article in the newspaper about how Britanny Murphy died. Pneumonia due to complications and prescription drugs were involved. I'd really like to be on a campaign to bring awareness to all of these young people about the dangers of mixing alchohol, cough & cold medicines with prescription drugs. My son is gone now because of it.I'm going to make it a mission to find out what to do to start a campaign.

John 4/19/87-1/31/08

Trying to move along. This past Sunday, January 31st was 2 years since my son passed away. Last week leading up to it was worse than the actual day. I kept thinking that if it were 2 years ago these days would have had John in the world. I saw him those few weeks before he passed away. And then, poof!, he as gone. And I couldn't even come up to him as he lay on the stretcher, to see him. The police said I couldn't go up any closer so I only saw him from about 20 ft. away when they were putting him in the ambulance. I feel like I never got to touch him and tell him how much I loved him.I remember the whole time just saying over and over again "I can't believe it...I can't believe it.I relive that night so many times, over and over again. And then afterwards its a blur. I don't know how I functioned those next few weeks. It was like I was on autopilot. If it weren't for John's friends gathering photo's with me and getting their photo's together, and making the powerpoint presentation and getting the music together, there wouldn't have been a memeorial service. They did it all and David and Chris spoke and it was very sweet. I know John was there and he was proud of his friends doing this for him. Knowing it's been 2 years doesn't make this grief go away. I still feel a lump in my throat everyday, and I feel like tears are gonna burst out any minute. I really work hard everyday to hold myself together - it's hard when you teach little second graders.
I feel like sometimes I'm living a lie because I have to pretend everthing is okay, but it's not. When I am driving to school, I so much want to just keep driving until I drive full speed into the river. That way I don't have to deal with the pain I feel everyday. But the only thing that keeps me from doing it is my husband and daughter. I couldn't do that to them. I know what that's like being the former wife of my first husband who committed suicide when our kids were only 5 and 8. It started all this whole life of despair that we've been fighting to overcome. I started seeing a new counselor and I think this one really clicks with me. She's encouraged me to try yoga. I think I might try it next Thursday -City Yoga. I need something. I've given up alot of drinking because I was drinking more than I should.I haven't had a Corona in I don't know how long. I have to find other ways of dealing with things. If anyone know of anything let me know.