I made it through another birthday

Well April 19, 2010 was John's 23rd birthday but he wasn't here to celebrate. He passed away 3 months before his 21st birthday. I took 2 Heinekins, 3 red Solo plastic cups, a bottle opener, a birthday balloon, a candle and some freshly picked roses and azaleas to his grave. My husband, daughter and I lit the candle and toasted to John. I couldn't get through the toast without crying but it made me feel better. We poured a little of the beer on his grave. I know he would want us to go on with our lives and be happy. It's hard even believing that my son, my sunshine, my little "sug" (short for sugar), is gone. But I think I'm doing better. Although at this moment I'm drinking gin & juice, I have gotten over my Ambiens with beer and wanting to sleep all the time. I'm really going to try to revamp this blog, exercise more, read more, do volunteer work and even try to get the word out about how dangerous mixing prescription drugs with alchohol is. I can relate to it all too well. If there is one family I can help so they won't have to go through what I've been through, it'll be worth it. Pray that my daughter will get along alright.

finding the right therapist and being happy again

Hi everyone,
I know it has been a while. I get into these ruts in which I don't really want to communicate with anybody outside of work. I just want to get home, cook and eat supper, and relax. So I'm sorry - I'm thinking about quitting with this blog since I don't devote enough time to it. But I wanted to let everyone know that I started seeing a new therapist. I think this one really gets it. The one I had before was okay but he didn't really help me to work on what to do when situations come up and I can't handle things. A few weeks ago I was at the museum and saw kids with their families and I just started crying like crazy. My new therapist gives me things to work on, like keeping a journal (even writing dreams in it) and taking at least 10 minutes a day to spend time doing something spiritual (it could be reading devotions or meditating or reading the bible, etc.). Those things have helped so much so far. Today I saw her and she told me that I need to start enjoying the present moment and be happy with everything I find joy in. I've always felt like I need to not get too happy because when everything is going well then I know that something bad is bound to happen. But I need to change my mindset. I've always been complaining about my weight but I haven't changed my eating habits or really working out very much. For the past few days I've only been eating salads, vegetables, baked chicken or seafood and I've cut out diet sodas and I've only been drinking water. I also did the Wii Fit for a little while yesterday. I am going to start riding my bike again too. Wish me luck. I want to move on in my life.

memories and decisions

Hi everyone,
Thanks to those Facebook friends of mine who have been following me. I'm sorry I don't write like I should but I'm worn out by the time I get home from a full day of teaching. Today I had to go to Walgreen's to pick up my medicine. I realized when I was there that it was just like the day when I got the call from my daughter saying that his roommate couldn't wake him up. It was a Thursday around 5:30-6:00 and I was paying for my blood pressure medicine just like that dismal night a few weeks and 2 years ago. I started crying on the way home. I guess that's just the way it will be. When memories start flooding back.
I was disappointed also that my daughter said she might withdraw from college (the surgical tech. program). I want her to find her way and decide what she wants to do with her life. I know she's not 20 yet and it's hard to get started with what you're going to do for the rest of your life, but what will happen to her if something happens to me? Her father's passed away, her brother's gone, and only 1 grandparent left and he's in his 70's. I need to start praying again. I've been so disillusioned and have kinda given up but I think that praying will be all that I can do with so much out of my control.

The rain

It's been a rainy day. Not just sprinkling, or misting, I mean downright gushers from heaven. Of course it would have to be a day the students were going on a field trip and we had to walk a half a mile to the Koger Center. We were soaked. Then this afternoon I had car duty. All I wanted to go was go home and get in bed. But of course I had to head straight to the kitchen to start on supper. Then I had to go get the mail. I'm finally taking the time to read e-mails. My therapist said I need to take at least 5-10 min. to do something spiritual - either reading from the Bible or another book like inspiring stories per day, or just meditate/yoga for a while. I might start next week in a yoga class. I think I do need that time to reflect. I'm always busy. I also need to do a dream journal and a journal w/my moods. That's working well because I love to write....duh. I read an article in the newspaper about how Britanny Murphy died. Pneumonia due to complications and prescription drugs were involved. I'd really like to be on a campaign to bring awareness to all of these young people about the dangers of mixing alchohol, cough & cold medicines with prescription drugs. My son is gone now because of it.I'm going to make it a mission to find out what to do to start a campaign.

John 4/19/87-1/31/08

Trying to move along. This past Sunday, January 31st was 2 years since my son passed away. Last week leading up to it was worse than the actual day. I kept thinking that if it were 2 years ago these days would have had John in the world. I saw him those few weeks before he passed away. And then, poof!, he as gone. And I couldn't even come up to him as he lay on the stretcher, to see him. The police said I couldn't go up any closer so I only saw him from about 20 ft. away when they were putting him in the ambulance. I feel like I never got to touch him and tell him how much I loved him.I remember the whole time just saying over and over again "I can't believe it...I can't believe it.I relive that night so many times, over and over again. And then afterwards its a blur. I don't know how I functioned those next few weeks. It was like I was on autopilot. If it weren't for John's friends gathering photo's with me and getting their photo's together, and making the powerpoint presentation and getting the music together, there wouldn't have been a memeorial service. They did it all and David and Chris spoke and it was very sweet. I know John was there and he was proud of his friends doing this for him. Knowing it's been 2 years doesn't make this grief go away. I still feel a lump in my throat everyday, and I feel like tears are gonna burst out any minute. I really work hard everyday to hold myself together - it's hard when you teach little second graders.
I feel like sometimes I'm living a lie because I have to pretend everthing is okay, but it's not. When I am driving to school, I so much want to just keep driving until I drive full speed into the river. That way I don't have to deal with the pain I feel everyday. But the only thing that keeps me from doing it is my husband and daughter. I couldn't do that to them. I know what that's like being the former wife of my first husband who committed suicide when our kids were only 5 and 8. It started all this whole life of despair that we've been fighting to overcome. I started seeing a new counselor and I think this one really clicks with me. She's encouraged me to try yoga. I think I might try it next Thursday -City Yoga. I need something. I've given up alot of drinking because I was drinking more than I should.I haven't had a Corona in I don't know how long. I have to find other ways of dealing with things. If anyone know of anything let me know.

torn different ways

Hi everyone and happy new year. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It's been busy with going to see relatives, taking down the tree, starting back at work after a 2 week holiday, etc. I've been in and out of a depression. I stopped taking my Pristiq because I ran out of my pills and there weren't any more refills. I know I must have missed a Dr's appt. because they always get close to running out when I go to see him. I've been really bad in the past year or so, not writing down appts. and forgetting things. The year of 2008 went by and it was like a blur to me. I guess I just go through the motions of doing things when I get depressed and I don't even realize it.I would make an appt. to go back to the psychiatrist and get back on my medicine but I kinda feel like it's not working anyway. Some coworkers and friends of mine went out to eat the other day, and I felt like I was an observer instead of a participant in the conversations. I'm not very talkative and I'm not assertive so I hate to try to jump in and interrupt anyone, but I'm not going to beg to get my voice heard. I've always been that way. I have groups of friends that are very laid back, talk very little about nothing really important and they don't really give a damn about what they say (I call these the "real" people). Then I have a group of friends that always know the right things to say, are up on current events, more uptight about work, money, etc.. and never say anything unless it's politically correct. I'm always torn between these groups. I just like to sit at home and watch old Alfred Hitchcock movies with popcorn and beer. I'm just not that social. My daughter and my husband fight all the time about who is the best driver. We were going out to eat yesterday and she wanted to drive and take her car. Boy, I think she was on something because it was raining and she wasn't slowing down for those curves. So they started arguing. I'm always in the middle-he says I should have taken up for him and she says that I know he's a bad driver. Anyway, I decided we'll all go someplace in separate cars from now on. I can't handle being torn.